You need to watch the TV show Benidorm. It’s camp as chips and filled with perma-tanned Brits who chucked in Liverpool for the Costa Blanca.

Their inspiration? Four streets which become another world every night, thumping out bass and flashing neon to stilletos and bare burnt chests.

We Brits are brash but across the rest of town, the Spanish just want a good time too.

Benidorm is unashamedly a tourist resort. Its 76,000 residents welcome five million visitors a year. The beaches are a sea of flesh and pensioners on mobility scooters with polo shirts tucked into their shorts.

Come the evening, many head to the Benidorm Palace. Decked in glitter, it’s how I imagine Las Vegas. It’s consistently sold out at 50 euros for four courses and a show which rivals a top circus – with jugglers, contortionists and topless dancers.

Myriad family attractions include Mundo Mar (Seaworld) and Aqualandia, where your children race down terrifying water slides.

The peaceful fishing village, legend tells, was transformed by a mayor who rode his moped to Madrid to ask General Franco’s permission.

It’s dubbed the Manhattan of Spain. I’m not entirely convinced but the skyline is certainly commanding. Driving through the mountains, the tallest towers come into view first; great, stark things in orange and grey.

We tried a Segway tour (€39 for two hours), cruising surreally at 12mph while listening to the Mike Oldfield back catalogue. It took us to the Serra Galada nature park. We were a short walk from the packed beach but we had the view across the glittering bay to ourselves.

Scuba diving was the real treat. It’s quite pricy (€70 for half an hour underwater) but the beauty was staggering. We saw a fish disguised as a log and even an octopus – though it’s hard to concentrate while keeping level, holding your arms still and equalising your ears, all while learning the hand signals.

For a cheaper thrill there’s cable skiing (€55 for a three-day course). Think water skiing... actually, it’s best not to think. I didn’t until I’d swallowed the ocean and finally, like a proud new father, glided gracefully for a few seconds.

Food in a tourist resort is tricky. You’ll see KFC, Burger King and pie ‘n’ mash, but explore a bit to find niche, modern tapas (try El Sol or Taperia).

Everyone, though, survives on tourists. Marc Paul Dobbelaere began an outdoor pursuits firm so of course, he named it Marco Polo. He does hikes and jeep tours to the crystal waters of a little-known flooded valley.

I had my first wobbly go on his tandem bike: €9 for half a day and guaranteed to destroy your marriage.

We arrived at the Torres beach bar on our final day in less than an hour.

There, relaxing with golden sun, beer and waves, I smiled – and stopped wondering when the TV crew would show up.

Flights: Monarch to Alicante (45 minutes away) from London Gatwick from £47.99 one way. monarch.co.uk

Accommodation: Four-star Sol Costablanca Hotel on Levante beach front - doubles on a B&B basis in July from £123 per night. melia.com

Dan’s stay was courtesy of Visit Benidorm. en.visitbenidorm.es

For apartments and villas in Benidorm why not visit www.ownersdirect.co.uk/benidorm.htm