Give me Hairy Knorm from the Monster Raving Loony party over this any day, writes columnist Ed McConnell.

When I was a bright-eyed cub reporter way back in 2015 I attended the all-night general election count at Detling Showground.

There I met the Monster Raving Loony party's candidate for Faversham and Mid Kent, “Hairy Knorm” Norman Davidson, who presented me, and several others, with a £1 million bank note which he said would solve the nation's problems.

I still have mine - although the man at McColl's refuses to accept it.

Hairy Knorm came sixth in a field of seven, securing 297 votes and beating the far-right English Democrats.

Battering the competition was newcomer Conservative and now minister for social care Helen Whately who received almost 25,000 votes

As Knorm handed out his counterfeit currency he was met with bemusement and a few laughs.

'Other than listing promises he offered nothing in terms of how he'd achieve any. He may as well have been presenting one of Knorm's bogus bank notes...'

But for all his eccentricities his policies and those of his party don't appear too different to what we have now.

Rishi Sunak was determined to come out fighting this year. To stave off criticism he'd 'gone missing' as the NHS fought for its life. To offer something new for a new year.

'New Year, new us!' He may as well have said during an excruciating address which included the line, destined to come back to haunt him, 'We’re either delivering for you, or we’re not.'

He made five promises to a nation starved of hope: 'Halve inflation. Grow the economy. Reduce debt. Cut waiting lists. And stop the boats.'

But other than listing them he offered nothing in terms of how he'd actually achieve any. He may as well have been presenting us each with one of Knorm's bogus bank notes.

At least his earlier announcement about forcing numerically challenged teenagers to endure algebra until they are legally entitled to buy alcohol, by which point it will be sorely needed, had some substance to it, even if it was a clear-as-day distraction tactic.

Credit where it's due, though, the first three could be a master-stroke. Lower inflation, higher growth and less debt are forecast to happen anyway, but considering the starting point I'm not sure any of those can be considered much of an achievement.

Cutting waiting lists is marvellously vague and as for small boats, well perhaps I should refer here to the Raving Loony's manifesto, published in 2020 but offering us perhaps more hope of achieving that goal than anything the Conservatives have tried.

"To unite the population, we will surround the UK with a large cardboard box so people can be both in and/or out of the EU. This will be known as Schrodinger’s Brexit," the party states.

They'd also get more children reading by wrapping fish and chips in newspaper again; introduce a Ministry of Clarity to 'ensure that only the clearest clarity is made clear and the unclear clarity is cleared out'; and, in a move which would overjoy the folk of Kent, introduce an annual ROT to complement MOTs, making sure all roads are car worthy.

Give me the Loonies any day, at least we'd have some fun.

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