More on KentOnline
More on KentOnline
“Looking at life through sober eyes is one of the most amazing gifts.”
The words of footballer Nikki Waterman as she opens up on a quite remarkable life transformation.
In an interview with KentOnline, the 29-year-old captain of Maidstone United Women tells how she:
It was while serving a 16-month prison sentence that Waterman experienced her “Eureka moment” and says jail saved her life.
She’d stolen money from her employer to buy drink - but she didn’t care.
When her solicitor warned her to pack a bag the day before sentencing, she went out on a “massive bender” and arrived at court “still a bit drunk, in the same clothes I was in the night before”.
Ultimately, the judge did her a favour by sending her to prison but it didn’t feel that way at first, with Waterman self-harming after being beaten up by fellow inmates.
The road to recovery started when she was transferred to East Sutton Park Open Prison near Maidstone.
She finally accepted she was an alcoholic and began attending AA meetings.
With the help of staff and the Forward Trust charity, she turned her life around and hasn’t had a drink for almost two-and-a-half years.
She’s determined it will stay that way and has a big ally in her corner in ex-Arsenal and England captain Tony Adams, who has taken her under his wing.
Gripped by alcohol, her lowest point saw her ready to jump off London Bridge before police intervened.
She was sectioned but still refused to accept she had a problem with alcohol and, with payday loan options exhausted, she turned to crime to fund her addiction.
Born in Gravesend, and living in Dartford, it was the death of her grandad from cancer in November 2007 that led to Waterman’s first experience of drink.
Devastated by the loss of the “greatest man ever”, she had her first drink after his funeral.
“Losing my grandad completely changed me,” said Waterman, whose parents divorced when she was six.
“It broke me. I felt lost, angry, upset, confused, and at this point I was secretly self-harming.
“I saw everybody laughing and having fun and enjoying themselves and I couldn’t understand why people were happy at a wake.
“I thought, ‘I want to feel like that,’ so I had a couple of glasses of whisky and I ended up taking the bottle up to my grandad’s room.
“I woke up in the morning and felt fuzzy-headed, I didn’t really remember much of the night before and I stupidly enjoyed that feeling.
“It gave me that buzz that I’d found something else I could do to forget my problems.”
Waterman earned a four-year football scholarship in America when she was 17 but was soon kicked out for underage drinking.
“It would be any girl’s dream to go to the other side of the world and play football but I ruined that and had to come back home,” she says.
Waterman played for Gillingham, Crystal Palace and QPR but drinking continued to get the better of her.
“There would be days when I wouldn’t turn up for training or I’d turn up to a game stinking of alcohol, still hungover, and I got bored of playing,” she adds.
Waterman’s work suffered but she still needed money for drink.
She said: “I still needed that fix from the alcohol so I ended up getting out loads of payday loans and, of course, I didn’t pay them back because rules didn’t apply to me.
“The bailiffs turned up at my mum’s house, the police were at the door for court orders and money owed to the courts and that’s when I started stealing from friends and family because I couldn’t get any more payday loans out, I couldn’t get a credit card, and things started to get worse and worse.
“But I didn’t think I was the problem, I just thought everybody else was against me.”
Waterman moved from Kent to Essex at the age of 20 but a new relationship turned abusive and she drank even more to make the problems go away.
By this point she was mainly sleeping on the floor of her office in London or in hotels.
She was drinking in different pubs but would “get bored of people who weren’t drinking as quickly as me”.
One day, after “drinking myself sober”, Waterman hit a new low. “I felt I couldn’t take any more,” she said.
“I ended up walking along London Bridge and standing on the bridge, ready to jump off, and the police turned up and I was sectioned for 48 hours.
“When I came round and completely sobered up, it was scary because I felt like I was being held against my own will and I tried to get out and I completely lost it, I went absolutely crazy.”
Waterman started another new job but, desperate for money, she crossed a line.
She said: “I turned to crime and I stole from an employer and the next day the police arrested me and I was put on bail.
“I was living on the premises, in an apartment, and was given half an hour to get out.
“I didn’t have anywhere to go, my family had disowned me and I ended up living in a hotel for a week. I then rented a new place in Essex, knowing that I couldn’t afford it.
“I managed to pay one month’s rent but that was it.
“Because I had a couple of previous convictions my case was referred to crown court but I wasn’t too bothered.
“Seven months down the line my solicitor called me and said, ‘Look, you’re in court the next day, I tell all my clients to bring a bag, just in case you go to prison’ but I didn’t think anything of it.
“I went on a massive bender and didn’t stop drinking until seven o’clock the next morning.
“My court time was one o’clock, I turned up, I was still a bit drunk, in the same clothes I was in the night before.
“I had red wine down my top, my shoes were covered in mud and blood where I’d cut my foot. I was just out of it.
“The judge read out all my previous convictions and that’s when a little bit of realisation hit me that I could possibly go to prison. He jailed me for 16 months.
“I was 26 at the time and for the first time in my life I completely broke down and thought, ‘That’s it, my life’s over, I’ve messed up.’”
Waterman had a tough time at Peterborough Prison, not eating and staying in her cell.
Bullies jumped on her vulnerability and she had belongings stolen and was beaten up “several times”.
“I got stabbed with this makeshift knife, it was just horrific,” she added. “My self-harming got worse. I was in prison with some of the worst criminals. I couldn’t cope and I tried to take my own life.”
Waterman was transferred to East Sutton but was still in denial and blaming others for her drink problem.
The officers tried to help her but she wasn’t interested and found herself briefly back at a closed prison, before being given a second chance by the East Sutton governor.
“I can’t thank the officers enough,” she said. “They never gave up on me even though I was this immature, angry person. If they hadn’t helped me, I wouldn’t be here today.
“I got into AA meetings and I listened to a lady that came in and shared her story and I kind of had a Eureka moment.
“Everything she said was exactly what I did when I was drinking and how I felt when I drank.
“I ran upstairs, called my mum and said, ‘I’ve got something to tell you, I’m an alcoholic,’ and she just laughed down the phone and said, ‘Nik, I know, I’ve always known, I’ve tried to help you but you’ve never listened.’ Just saying that to my mum was a huge relief.
“I didn’t drink at all through prison and it got to the point where it was two months before I was getting released and I was so desperate to get back into playing football.”
Knowing she would be living in Maidstone, Waterman wrote to about 10 teams in Kent, explaining her situation.
John Jackson, the head of women’s football at Maidstone, wrote back, inviting her along, and she was cleared to train while completing her sentence.
In February 2019 she signed for the Stones, helping them to Kent Plate glory.
Captaincy followed and she’s now in her second season with the armband.
“There aren’t enough words I could find to thank John,” says Waterman.
“He made me fall back in love with the game, and the coaches and the girls have been really supportive.
“When I was drinking I thought nobody really believed in me but these guys, and everyone at the club, they do.
“They’ve given me a chance and now I’m 29 months sober.
“It was really scary coming out of prison because I lost everything when I went in, not just my possessions, but my confidence, my friends, my family, and because I was sober I’ve then realised how much I hurt people.
“To this day I still feel bad because I upset a lot of people and I’m pretty sure there’s still people out there who hate my guts and won’t accept that I’ve changed.
“People say a leopard can’t change its spots but if you get the right help, you can.
“One of the greatest things is my mum seeing me sober because I put her through so much rubbish. To get that relationship back with her is amazing.
“My relationship with people is different now. I want to interact, I don’t want to isolate myself and go into my shell.
“I’m not ashamed I went to prison but I’m not proud of it either.
“I see it as a blessing because I know for a fact that if I didn’t go to prison I don’t think I’d be here because my drinking got so out of hand, it was just unreal. It saved my life.
“At the same time it’s a shame I had to go to prison because it has affected me in different ways. I still struggle with everyday things.
“There’s certain things now I can’t do because it just reminds me of prison but the more I talk about my story, the more it helps.
“When I first came out I was embarrassed and shocked that I went to prison, and I was scared to talk about it.
"But when I got approached by Tony Adams to do a podcast, that was the first moment that I thought, ‘Do you know what, this is going out worldwide, people are going to hear my story.'
“I was really scared and fearful of all the negative comments that I got back but he said to me, us alcoholics always look for the negative comment.
“We don’t care about the hundreds of positive comments, we always look for that one negative one, and I did get one from someone I’d hurt.
“It was a bit hard to take but I know I’ve changed my life around and I’m not that person any more.
“From that moment I’ve been able to talk about it more and more.”
Adams’ battle with the booze was well-publicised over his playing career.
He was jailed for drink-driving during Arsenal’s 1990/91 title-winning season and came out as an alcoholic in the mid-90s.
He’s been free of drink ever since, doing brilliant work through his Sporting Chance clinic.
The former defender has been a huge help to Waterman.
She said: “He’s been amazing. He’s a great guy.
“Through lockdown I’ve got to know him as a human-being and he’s been so supportive.
“He could totally relate to my story when he was younger.
“Football was my first choice of drug and then I fell out of love with the game and started drinking.
“He went to prison and I went to prison. When he got in touch with me I thought it was a wind-up.
“There were two footballers I always used to look up to.
“One was Tony Adams and the other was Alan Shearer because I used to be a striker and I fancied him a bit when I was younger.
“When Tony got in touch I was like, ‘No way, things like this don’t happen to me’ and I was in a bit of shock.
“When he invited me to London to record a podcast with him I was like, ‘Wow, this is happening.’
“He’s been an absolute diamond for me during lockdown.
“I’ve been to Cirencester and spent time with him and his family and I look up to him a lot because he knows what I’ve been through and he can relate.”
Lockdown has been tough at times for Waterman but there’s the boost of knowing she has a mentoring job at Charlton waiting for her.
It took her years to admit she had a problem and she says asking for help is the biggest step.
“Asking for help is not a sign of weakness,” she said. “If anyone is struggling or having problems, try to speak to a close friend or a relative.
“Never be afraid to ask for help. I’ve struggled in this second lockdown since football stopped but I put my hand up and got the help I needed.
“It’s massive weight lifted to know you’re not alone and there are people you can talk to.
“The bravest thing you’ll ever do is admit you need help.”
Read about the work of the Forward Trust by clicking here
If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this article and need help, call the Samaritans free and confidential on 116 123. Lines are open 24 hours a day.
