The man’s shadow slowly moved across the lounge window.

He was looking at the ground as though seeking a divine revelation.

My wife and I got up to look what was going on. He seemed unaware of our home and began reaching over the high gate in search of a latch to get into our back garden.

I decided to challenge him, and noticed a plain white van on the road, its engine ticking over.

“Yes?”

There was no apology, no threat, no concern from him. “I was looking for your manhole cover,” he said.

“Then why didn’t you ring the doorbell and I would have helped you?”

It turned out the man was a contractor for Southern Water, trying to track down a sewer blockage. I had to ask him for his identity. Our pipes were not the problem, however.

After checking, the sewerman left without bothering to say thanks, he’d finished, I could lock the gate, or a dozen other things.

I complained to Southern Water who said they would investigate and raise my concerns with his bosses.

I thought that was it until I received a letter a few days later. It was from Southern Water to “the occupier” (not even to their customer of too many years). I saw shades of red. It wasn’t what was said, it was the way it was written.

The letter sought to advise not to put anything other than the “three Ps” down the pan – pee, poo and paper. Well, putting not too fine a point on it, that’s all we use the thunderbox for.

It appeared that someone along our avenue may have flushed other items down the outlet pipe. It wasn’t me, and it certainly wasn’t my wife.

Three times I tried to contact Southern Water to complain about the accusatory tone of the letter.

Three times I was cut off by their customer relations or switchboard staff. Eventually I spoke to someone from the press office. The customary placatory comments flew. His employers “would be told”, it was “not acceptable” and “sorry” were followed by the startling revelation that Southern Water has a team of copywriters rewriting all their customer letters.

Their advice? Adopt the continental holiday method of using a bucket

I actually spoke to the lady in charge of this programme of buffing up the friendly image of Southern Water whenever it needs to address its customers or the world at large.

A team to write computer-generated letters that appear to come from real individuals (but I suspect probably don’t)? Can’t their staff write their own letters? Or is it that they all went to university, but can’t spell?

A press officer told me they are talking with the makers of lanolin wipes and the like to tell them their biodegradable materials are not biodegradable.

Their advice? Adopt the continental holiday method of using a bucket.

Sitting beside the pan it can take the towels, nappies, wipes and anything else that challenges the sewer system – and you can then carry it to the dustbin for the poor dustmen to remove.

Just then, my wife popped in to the study. “There’s a missed call on the phone,” she said.

“Southern Water have been on asking if you would take part in a customer survey...”