My wife and I both agree that having a baby is the best thing we have ever done. Sharing that joy with those around us is equally wonderful – but having said that, some people do tend to step in it when they come round.

With that, here are some of the things you should never say to a new parent.

1. “Just you wait for the toddler stage”

Listen, I’m just about handling the newborn stage. As we’ve heard previously, I’m still learning lessons the hard way and taking each day as it comes.

What no new parent needs is the idea of the ‘terrible twos’ or variations thereof hovering just over the horizon like the ghost of Christmas future.

2. “It goes by so quickly”

If you are a new parent, one of the things that will be most painfully stuck at the back of your mind is just how fast time is moving.

It feels like yesterday when the baby was having her first nappy change and still learning how to feed, and yet somehow now she’s smiling and trying to communicate. We’ve had to ban ourselves from looking at pictures of her in the earliest days because they show how much she’s already grown.

Quite frankly, no parent - no matter how old they are - needs reminding how quickly things change. We get by perfectly well on that front by ourselves, thank you very much!

3. “You should get your sleep when the baby sleeps”

Ha, yes, that old chestnut. This one goes out in particular to the parents who have to balance day-to-day housework with childrearing. In a perfect world, we would sleep whenever baby does, and feed and play with them when they’re awake – and then somehow manage to get the washing done, the cooking on and the other 100 chores that daily life requires… some other time. When? You tell me!

4. “You look absolutely exhausted!”

This comes off the back of number three. I’m working off two hours sleep per week and I’ve changed clothes twice already this morning so this appearance is as good as you’re getting, frankly.

It won’t stop me changing a nappy in record time or making the most of the burst of energy I get every time my daughter smiles – I’m just not 100% sure if I currently have the hand-eye coordination to shave, so probably best not to risk it.

5. “We did things differently back in my day…”

Listen auntie/grandma/mum’s friend, it’s not my fault you raised your child in the dark ages and didn’t have all of the wonders of modern baby tech when you were a new parent. It doesn’t mean I have to deprive myself – or my wife and child – of the myriad things we can buy that (allegedly) help with life.

6. “So when are you giving her a little brother or sister?”

This is probably the most common irritant that we as a couple have had to deal with. We’ve just gone through nine months of pregnancy and a hospital stay, followed by the most glorious, emotional weeks we’ve ever had. I for one am quite keen to get on top of that.

7. “Oh [reason] is why she’s crying”

Thankfully, to my memory, this has only happened to me once – shout out to that one random stranger in Bluewater who thought it would be helpful to chime in that my daughter might be hungry, or cold, or hot.

No. You don’t know my child better than I do. Each baby is an individual person and guess who knows their needs better than anyone? That’s right, their mother. And hey, dads also get it right a solid percentage of the time, to our credit. You want to help? Mind your own. Ta!

8. “Well when MY child was that age, they were doing…”

You know these kinds of people. They seem to rise from the floorboards at every milestone or major event in your child’s life. “That’s so wonderful that she’s cooing and almost rolling over, when little Beaumont was her age he was already running around.” Firstly, I don’t remember asking, it’s not your moment or that of little Beaumont (I don’t actually know anyone with a child named Beaumont). Secondly, she’s nine weeks old, so spare me.