Online conspiracy theorists have gone into a frenzy of speculation over the sinister reason behind the allegations levelled against the comedian-turned-prophet Russell Brand over the weekend.

Because there must obviously be a disturbing explanation, rather than it just being a thorough and painstaking piece of journalism conducted under a looming cloud of legal action.

Wake up, people! Or ‘sheeple’, as Brand’s followers might call us.

Unsurprisingly, it’s all a plot by ‘the establishment’ (yawn) or the ‘mainstream media’ (even bigger yawn) to silence a man who knows too much and isn’t afraid to share it on his large and lucrative public platform. Multi-national corporations and big pharma also have a hand in it all, if the bunker-dwellers are to be believed.

Brand himself came out fighting over the sexual assault claims in The Sunday Times and Channel 4’s Dispatches programme, referring to “the narrative that these two mainstream media outlets are trying to construct, apparently, in what seems to me to be a coordinated attack".

The ‘coordinated attack’ bit is priceless, like it’s 9/11 or something.

Brand – who has taken on an increasingly messianic air in recent years – must be deluded enough to believe he represents such a big threat to ‘the system’ that the world’s governments must find a way to silence him.

I love the idea of a top secret meeting between the leaders of the wealthiest industrialised nations to discuss the best way of keeping the former Big Brother presenter in his box.

The mainstream media – you know, the ones with trained journalists, regulators, stuff like that – are a regular target of the keyboard warriors. Because why trust organisations like Channel 4 or The Times when you could be getting far more reliable news from a bloke holed up in his mum’s box room with a laptop and grievance?

“While some see Brand as a fearless truth seeker, many more just see him as David Icke with a hipster beard...”

Being ‘anti-establishment’ is a luxury reserved chiefly for tiresome multi-millionaires (or the sons and daughters of tiresome multi-millionaires). This ‘smash the system’ posturing is particularly beloved of those in the performing arts industry who can spout crowd-pleasing, nonsense politics without consequence while failing to see a connection between the system they profess to hate and their ability to silence people with expensive lawyers when the need arises.

While some see Brand as a fearless truth seeker, many more just see him as David Icke with a hipster beard.

Following the allegations at the weekend, the comedian asked portentously if there was “another agenda at play” and urged his followers to “stay awake”. It’s certainly hard to stay awake when you’re listening to the incessant drone of Brand’s disciples blaming everyone but their hero for the trouble in which he finds himself.