The branding immediately alerted me to the fact this one is a member of that most middle beige family of boozers, Ember Inns.

It was a tricky business gaining access to the Queens Head in Wigmore as there were roadworks all around and for a moment I wondered if it would be worth the effort.

I was greeted by the Prince William lookalike manager (I thought he’d just been promoted) who was welcoming enough without actually cracking a smile and, after casting an eye along the pumps, opted for a Sharp’s Atlantic Pale Ale.

The prince swiftly informed me that despite appearances this particular brew wasn’t available as he couldn’t get hold of any and, frankly, he was glad it wasn’t. Apparently it’s popular enough to stop the regulars ordering any bitter.

I asked if he drank it himself but he pulled a very unprincely face and said he wouldn’t touch anything but lager under any circumstances.

So, I settled for an Adnams Ghost Ship, for the not-so-princely price of £2.79, and shuffled away from the bar so I could fully take in my surroundings and appreciate the pub's blandness in all its glory.

At this point an aged fellow with white curly hair called out to me and summoned me to join him at his table. Presuming he needed help of some sort I questioned if I could be of assistance.

He said I could and asked if I had any idea how to stop migrants landing on the shores of Kent. My negative response simply spurred the retired drinker to even weightier matters as he next probed me about the dog owners who fail to clear up after their pets and seagulls who rip apart bin bags.

Suddenly I recalled that although car parking is free you must register your number plate in an infernal machine in front of the bar. I made a hasty excuse and once at the machine remembered I hadn’t driven, slid behind a post and escaped to the front of the pub.

There were plenty of free picnic tables outside but the only thing louder than the noise of the roadworks was two blokes complaining about the noise of the roadworks at the top of their voices. When they shouted across for my opinion about the row I feigned deafness and mouthed that I was meeting a friend inside.

Fortunately the white-haired guru had snared another victim and was informing him he’d got the solution to all this country’s problems.

I slipped out a side door (thank goodness this pub has plenty of exits), past a smokers’ area, through the car park at the side and into the safety of the back garden.

Here, there are more tables and four individual drinking huts, labelled Balmoral, Sandringham, Buckingham and Windsor. Crikey, maybe it was Wills after all!

Back in the bar Ozzie the Bulldog had been dragged in by his owner but the battle for supremacy in the relationship was yet to be won.

His owner clearly fancied a pint and Oz did not fancy this pub one bit.

As soon as the pint, and a bowl of water for him, were in his owner's hands he made a bolt for the door dragging said owner in his wake and the floor was soon awash with lager and H2O.

His owner was furious but gave up, thrusting the empty glass and bowl aside and making an immediate, and thirsty, exit. Ozzie is clearly a decent judge of pubs as pretty much the only thing that wasn't wishy-washy about the pub was the beer.

So, what else do you need to know? No jukebox, no darts, no pool table, the screen on the wall was off, three massive electronic fruities and, if you wish, you can order and pay from your table.

The toilets, like everything else were not too bad, but a little whiffy, though there was a sensible warning poster over the urinals.

A pint of Estrella is £5.05 and a packet of salt and vinegar will set you back a slightly steep £1.25.

There were several fellas in who, like me, looked as if they’d done a decent day’s work by 3.30pm and I spotted one bloke here who I saw when I reviewed another pub (Greene King) on this patch previously – surely other pubs must be available!

I didn’t quite make a bolt for it, but believe me I was not too far behind Ozzie and his unfortunate owner.

I suppose the Queens Head fulfils a function but although the Ghost Ship wasn’t bad, and came at a very reasonable price, I can’t for the life of me see what the attraction is to a pub like this.

And as for the guy who drifted from Greene King to Ember Inns, he needs to take a very long, hard look at himself.

Queens Head, 390 Maidstone Road, Wigmore, Gillingham ME8 0HT

Decor: It’s not particularly dirty and it wouldn’t be fair to call it tatty either, but everything about this place is dull, dull, dull. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that. *

Drink: The Adnams Ghost Ship was well poured and was a decently presented pint with a highly impressive head. The manager’s logic on the Sharp’s Atlantic Pale Ale didn’t quite add up, but he’s got several of his favourite lagers available. ***

Price: Given my pint of Adnams was only £2.79 I’ve scored this highly, though a packet of crisps at £1.25 weren’t cheap and had I been tempted into an Estrella it would have cost me £5.05. ****

Staff: I think the ambience of the pub must have seeped into the staff. I was served swiftly enough, which was a positive, but other that there’s isn’t much of note to say. **

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