It was so pitch black in the gents, that even with the door open, I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face.

I felt around in the darkness for a while and failed completely to find a light switch before giving up and heading back downstairs.

On the way I was met by a pair of police officers but fortunately they weren’t checking on possible toilet indiscretions and popped into the back bar of the Grasshopper on the Green to speak with the landlady.

I never did find out why the officers were visiting this pretty little Westerham pub, perhaps it was just a social call?

And, just for the record, I can report I was able to visit the gents on the ground floor and am pleased to say it was both light and well cared for.

As its name suggests, The Grasshopper sits right on the green and we’d taken a small table at the front of the pub to enjoy a light lunch and much-needed libation.

The green itself is delightful and, as is fitting for such an historic town, there was a great statue of Major James Wolfe, right in front of the coppers’ car.

A lot of folks, the majority with a good few years on us, were choosing to sit inside so it was a little while before we were spotted at the front bar.

Faced by several unlabelled pumps the barmaid helpfully pointed above the bar where I could then see three pump badges.

I’m already well acquainted with Harvey’s Sussex Best and Timothy Taylor’s Knowle Spring so decided to try a pint of 3.7% Leveson Buck from the Titsey Brewery.

Inside there were several TV screens showing sport but there is no darts, no pool table and no jukebox, although there was music playing at a sensible level.

I ordered our food at the same time and scurried back outside to deliver Mrs SD’s usual large Sav Blanc.

The gorgeous hanging baskets at the front of the pub are worthy of special mention and I noticed that the car park at the back of the pub is reached via an archway on the right hand side of the pub.

There was a sign making it very clear both dogs and children are all welcome here but none were in attendance while we were in and, for once, we brought the average age down.

I took a break from exploring the three bars, not to mention two toilets (one like the Black Hole of Calcutta) as our food had been delivered – a fish finger baguette for her and a CAB Grasshopper CAB ‘loaded’ baguette for me.

I’m not sure what constitutes a loaded baguette, but my shredded chicken, avocado and bacon cost me an extra £1 at a tenner.

They weren’t cheap but the salads they were served with were crunchy and tasty, the bread very fresh and the fillings warm and plentiful.

Second drinks were called for and, while Mrs SD stuck to form, the warm sunshine led me to shift to a pint of Moretti.

There are some great old photographs and pictures on the pub walls but by far the biggest decoration is a Crystal Palace flag and I assume the owners of this historic free house are keen fans of the Eagles.

Upstairs, at the front, there is a huge restaurant which stretches across the full width of the pub and is equipped with a large number of brown wooden chairs and tables.

I’d definitely recommend one of the front tables if you get the chance and the weather is anywhere near reasonable.

It can’t be described as cheap, though nowhere in the village is, but the food is decent, the beers change regularly and you’re surrounded by history at every turn.

Despite being very friendly and taking the time to chat I wasn’t able to discover why the cops had popped into The Grasshopper, but I can confirm they didn’t stay for a pint and there definitely weren’t any scuffles while we were in.

Mind you, they were never going to needed as there’s a very clear sign over the bar making it crystal clear what type of customers are welcome and, just as importantly, those who aren’t – be in no doubt, there’s no room for d*******s here.

Grasshopper on the Green, The Green, Westerham TN16 1AS

Decor: Low, dark beams and traditional brown furniture, this historic free house oozes charm and there are lots of photographs dotted around to show how the pub has developed over the years. ****

Drink: The 3.7% Leveson Buck is a fresh, hoppy American-style IPA which works well as a session ale. The Sauvignon Blanc was described as ‘not too bad, but not really worth the money’ – although she did manage a second! ***

Price: It was never going to be cheap here – The Leveson Buck IPA was £5.60, a Moretti was £6.25 and a pair of large Sav Blancs £19 (that’s over 30 quid for a couple of drinks). Two baguettes were £19. **

Food: The baguettes were perfectly baked and tasty and the side salads served with them were well dressed and fresh. Having sampled both Mrs SD reckoned the fish finger filling was the best choice. ****

Staff: It wasn’t too busy but it did take staff a few moments to notice we were waiting to be served. Both members of staff behind the bar were friendly and efficient – the food arrived in a timely fashion. ***