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“Watch out for that one, Brad,” my mum warned before seconds later screaming: “Mind where you step!”
Her constant alarm would have you thinking I was navigating a field of landmines in a warzone, not enjoying a Sunday stroll on the Isle of Sheppey.
Luckily for me, the obstacles in my way posed no danger to anything but the loafers I had decided were appropriate attire for a coastal walk.
Because blotting every pathway, trampled into the ground and even splattered up walls, was the blight of every seasoned rambler – dog poo.
My parents and I had travelled from Medway to sun-kissed Sheppey, lacking the patience to travel further afield to Folkestone or Margate, and too cheap to fork out £3.70 an hour to park in Whitstable.
Our stroll started in Minster, where we quickly noticed the amount of dog mess dotted along the promenade as we headed towards Sheerness town centre.
So frequent were the unsightly turds that, after we reached Sheerness Docks and turned back, I started taking pictures, keen to highlight the sheer laziness of selfish dog owners.
By the time we were back at Barton’s Point in Minster, I’d photographed 77 piles of poo in just 40 minutes – seven of them in the space of just 60 seconds.
A 1.8-mile stretch really shouldn’t provide enough images for a collage even Picasso (or should that be Poo-casso?) would be proud of.
I was keen to know if this was normal or if we had been unlucky enough to visit on a particularly bad day so I called Swale councillor Elliott Jayes, who also happens to be an Islander and chair of the authority’s Community Committee.
“It doesn’t surprise me,” he admitted.
“I walked around Bartons Point a few weeks ago and – I wasn’t counting - but the number [of dog poos] annoyed me.”
Unlike me, Cllr Jayes had even fallen foul of a turd deposited elsewhere in the district on the same day we spoke.
“I left the council office today and I stood in it,” he said.
“I have confronted people about it and there are a fair amount of bins, so there is no excuse.
“We have poo bag dispensers, but then selfish individuals come along and take them all.”
I phoned another local - proud Sheppey flag-waver Hayden Brawn – who described what I encountered as “shocking” and “disgusting”.
“I don’t own any pets at the moment, but I just don’t see why it’s something people struggle so much with,” the 23-year-old councillor said.
“People also bring a bag and tie it around railings, or leave it on the floor.
“Why go through the effort of picking it up and tying the bag?
“We’ve had instances of people putting bags on bay window sills.”
Cllr Brawn revealed he and his colleagues are pushing for the use of sprays that have proved a deterrent elsewhere. With little context, this opened up visions of council officers jumping out of bushes and showering errant owners with tear gas.
But he was referring to a new campaign in Shropshire, where Telford and Wrekin Council is literally spray-painting dog poo to highlight the extent of the issue and shame those responsible.
It’s clear Swale Borough Council (SBC) needs to do something, as a KentOnline investigation in 2023 revealed there had been 212 reports of dog fouling in two years – but just four fines issued.
Cllr Jayes says catching offenders in the act is difficult.
“Our officers can be spotted from a mile away in their high-visibility gear, and people usually behave and pick up on this,” he said.
Dog fouling is far from just a Sheppey problem, with that same investigation revealing seven other districts in Kent to have more reports, with Dover topping the pile, so to speak.
One of the first stories I wrote as a cub reporter was about a woman from Herne Bay who was so frustrated with the issue that she threw a bag of dog waste at an owner after he dumped it in her garden.
I don’t believe vigilantism is the answer, but more needs to be done than dishing out a handful of fines or leaving our streets dotted with fluorescent mounds of poo.
One option could be to take inspiration from the way Canterbury City Council targets graffiti vandals, sharing images of repeat offenders.
SBC has more than 300 CCTV cameras being monitored 24/7, so why not shame those responsible into cleaning up their act?
These people are spoiling a coastline that – save for a few dumped fire extinguishers and a small lake filled with rubbish – is the perfect place to enjoy some fresh sea air.
It has charm in abundance and is much cheaper and quieter than other coastal spots in Kent that are often swarming with huge crowds.
Cllr Jayes said: “It is the sea views, the sunrises and sunsets. We have such great coasts. But dog poo really does detract from it.”