He’s been visiting Kent every Christmas for as long as we can remember and he's never missed a year yet. But what does he really think of the place? And how does he find time to visit 108 million homes in just one night? Reporter John Nurden went to the North Pole to bring back this exclusive man-to-myth interview with Santa Claus...

It is minus 30 degrees outside. It is dark and howling a gale. And the sky is full of snow. By rights, Santa Claus should be shivering in his fleece-lined wellies and thick red coat.

Tonight, he must drag himself out of his favourite armchair and leave the roaring log fire to deliver Christmas presents to 108 million homes across the world.

But for Santa, this is not a chore. He is proud to clamber into his rickety sleigh for another whistle-stop tour across the sky to reward 379 million boys and girls for being good.

A few of those will be living in Swale. Santa suddenly stops smiling and winces.

“I had a slight problem there last year,” he recalled.

"I use that interweb thing and read KentOnline. It's great to keep track on who's been good – and who's been bad" - Santa Claus

“After all these years I still can’t understand Sittingbourne’s one-way system. And I suffered sleigh spillage over Sheppey going along the Lower Road. It’s just not wide enough. Now I learn councillors are planning to put up sleigh parking charges again. Do they think I’m made of money?”

He seems terribly up-to-date with Swale affairs.

He explained: “I use that interweb thing and read KentOnline. It’s great to keep track on who’s been good – and who’s been bad.

“I don’t rely on letters from boys and girls any more. Stamps now cost a fortune, so the elves also intercept emails and text messages.”

Just then Mrs Claus walked in from the kitchen where she had been making mince pies.

With a wag of her flour-caked finger, she told Santa: “Remember, no drinking and driving. Leave all those glasses of sherry for the dads.”

Then she confided: “He came back completely sozzled last year! You should have seen the mess he made of the turkey!”

Because of the world’s different time zones and the rotation of Earth, Santa actually has 31 hours to carry out his mammoth delivery operation.

Even so, he must clock up 58,020 visits a minute travelling at 650 miles per second – that’s 3,000 times the speed of sound. That could explain why little boys and girls sometimes hear strange noises on Christmas Eve as Santa crashes through the sound barrier.

Helping him will be his nine favourite reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. They will be led by Russian-born Rudolph, who, as the front-
runner, takes the most air friction (14.4 quintillion joules of power), which explains his red nose.

It is his job to look out for bad weather. As Santa said: “Rudolph, the red, knows rain, dear.”

Happy Christmas.