There’s an age-old gag which sees a diner ask the waiter what a fly is doing in his soup. “The back-stroke, sir,” is the reply.

An oldie but a goodie.

Sadly, however, I couldn’t work out how to ask why I had a hair sticking out of my slice of tomato in such a joke-friendly way. So I just plucked it out.

It may have been human or, quite likely, canine. My destination for this Eat My Words review proclaims itself as a dog-friendly venue and four-legged friends are in abundance.

Now, before I go on, I must stress how I am loathe to criticise a small local business. I am acutely aware of the challenges they face and, in the great scheme of things, one stray hair isn’t going to kill me. Or, for that matter, make me ill in any way.

But, dear reader, none of us want to see it lurking in our salad, do we?

Yet, if I’m being honest, the trespassing hair was the least of the problems the cafe I found myself in had.

I was in The Waves, a cafe/B&B/beach bar a short hop, skip and a jump from the seafront at Minnis Bay in Birchington, on Thanet’s sunshine coast – and just yards from a Shepherd Neame pub across the road.

I’ve eaten at Sheps’ Minnis Bay a few times and been rather underwhelmed on all occasions. So could its neighbour capitalise?

As I entered on a slightly breezy Wednesday lunchtime, I was aware I was probably not seeing it in its best light (namely set against a backdrop of blue skies, sunshine and the excited buzz of a busy stretch of sandy beach). As I walked past the many outdoor tables, instead the skies were grey and threatening drizzle.

But on those first few steps inside, I was thoroughly impressed.

There was a modern-looking wood-panelled bar with a host of beers on tap, an array of spirits and even a range of smoothies for those wanting a vitamin boost plus snacks and a display of cakes.

There was a decent-sized area for dining, full of wooden tables and chairs. And lots and lots of dogs. Some big, some small, some taking shelter, one banished to a large cage which sits just to the right of the bar. Let’s call it dog prison. The large beast within, it should be said, looked totally at ease.

It’s a funny place, but as a dog-lover, I rather liked it. It’s like being at home.

And, for a late October ‘school day’, it was doing brisk business. In fact, we struggled to find a table inside until someone conveniently shuffled off, right on cue.

So as we ordered – me a veggie burger (£9.50) and my guest a good old-fashioned steak and kidney suet pudding (£12.50) – I was already planning a good review. The staff were efficient and friendly too.

Drinks were swiftly delivered to the table – a Diet Coke and half a Beavertown Neck Oil (£4.50 combined) – and while we waited a small dog took up residence by our feet.

Then the grub turned up. Given the decor and its popularity, I must admit was expecting something a little more than the rather sad-looking burger and chips which was deposited in front of me.

We offered a chip to our new canine dining partner. He or she declined it. Read into that what you will.

I’m not entirely surprised – the chips were given flavour only by hurling salt upon them.

But the veggie burger….yikes. We live in an era today where serving up decent vegetarian food is no longer the pain in the backside it once was. In fact, you could comfortably pop into Tesco and buy a number of really good quality plant-based veggie patties – all of which would comfortably eclipse what I found lurking in the bun.

And it was a completely bare bun at that...nothing to whet the appetite, nothing to make me think – ‘wow that looks good’...I mean, literally nothing. It just sat there a tad apologetically.

The embarrassed veggie burger and mediocre chips were topped off with what I consider one of the great pointless bits of salad which were standard in the 1980s but just look dated and add nothing to the meal next to it today.

There were a few slithers of lettuce, some hunks of cucumber, some carrot shavings and two slices of tomato. One of which had the aforementioned hair protruding from it. Given I’m nearly bald, I can comfortably say it was not mine.

I rummaged through the sachets of accoutrements on the table looking for something to try and lift it. The best on offer was salad cream or tomato sauce. Neither would work here. Where’s a good dollop of Hellman’s when you need some?

So after plucking out the hair, I put the tomato slices on my burger – I’m not fussy – in a bid to try and jazz it up a bit.

One bite into the burger and it was uninspiring, tasteless and a little on the soggy side. The tomatoes were powerless to save it. Oh dear. I could wax lyrical about it more, but the problem is its tastelessness makes such a task a nigh-on impossibility. That it ‘exists’ is the best I can do.

My guest described the steak and kidney pudding as ‘pretty average’ and then speared it through the heart by saying “it’s a bit like school dinners”. Which I don’t think he meant in a complimentary way.

Mind you, the Diet Coke was nice and chilly – ditto the IPA. So it’s not all bad.

In conclusion, this cafe is in a great location and clearly has plenty of customers. What’s more, if you’ve just had a bracing stroll along the beach with your four-legged friend, it offers shelter and a warm welcome.

Just that, honestly, the food doesn’t match everything else about this place. It is reasonably priced, the service is good, but don’t expect to want to come back for anything other than a cup of coffee. Or a pint on a summer’s day.

Out of five:

Food: Perhaps, just perhaps, we got unlucky with our choices and the rest of the menu is outstanding. But what we had was so underwhelming it’s hard to praise it or, for that matter, hope for the best. **

Drink: Good range of alcoholic and soft drinks – can’t argue with its range. ****

Decor: If only the food looked as good as the interior they’d be on to a winner. Sadly, it doesn’t. ****

Staff: Speedy service and friendly – no complaints on the front-of-house team.****

Price: At £26.50 all in, the price was reasonable. However, the reality is that even for that outlay you expect something better than that lifeless veggie burger ***